Once Upon a Time Season 7 Premiere Review

Once Upon a Fourth dimension S04E01: "A Tale of 2 Sisters"

Sweet Lord, Once Upon a Fourth dimension is back for Season iv and already busy doing what information technology does best: co-opting the goodwill of Disney movies it had goose egg to do with and needlessly complicating an already incomprehensible timeline.

Also there was a ton of this:

There'south no doubt that the new actors did a groovy task impersonating children's cartoons, just personally I found the Frozen ™ fan fiction super tedious. Unlike other Disney classics that OUAT has approached in a unique, personal way, in that location was no original estimation of how these characters fit into the OUAT-verse. Frozen ™ is a hot holding, and so I'm guessing the writers' room was noted to death on how they could apply the characters, and maybe that's what led to the writers plopping them on acme of all the other storylines like a swirl of whipped cream plopped onto a messy stack of pancakes. "Here, bask this," the prove seems to say, "and never mind the fact the pancakes underneath are desperately formed, one-half-cooked, and too a ball of hair landed in the batter when we were mixing them upward. Whose pilus? Tin can't recall. Pretty sure it'south homo. Merely pull the strands out equally y'all chew. Bon appétit!"

The weirdly divide nature of the Frozen ™ characters kind of exacerbates how commercially driven their presence is. OUAT might every bit well feature actors wearing fuzzy Mickey and Minnie suits Electrical Parading down Main Street while flight prices to Celebration, Florida flash across the bottom of the screen.

Too, kind of a weird selection to take a Disney Princess story that's celebrated for Not ending with a wedding and go along it with, uh, a nuptials?

Merely I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the top.

A lady with a bunch of wet braids AND a moisture tiara ("Glamour 'til the Grave" —the motto of the Round Table) was scrawling on some wet paper with a wet pen while her ship sank because her daughters Elsa and Anna needed to KNOW something, and nosotros're all well enlightened that a message in a bottle can survive a shipwreck. They are like the black boxes of shipwrecks. Sadly we didn't run across the bottle make its way back to Big El & AnAn, simply the mom's diary sure did: Elsa establish her mom'due south periodical, read about three lines, and convinced herself that her parents abandoned their daughters because she, Elsa, is a monster! And that's what parents practice when they abscond a monster: They exit their youngest child behind in the same business firm with the monster and go hop on a transport. Oh, Elsa. Y'all and your decision to see yourself equally a monster/habiliment a blue sequin evening gown all over the damn identify.

Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke we picked upwardly right where we left off: with Regina storming out of Granny'south later on realizing, thanks to Emma'southward fourth dimension-traveling, lame-ass finale episode, that Regina had been demoted from True Love to Side Chick. Emma, who does nothing merely monitor Regina'due south e'er-shifting moods, chased afterwards Regina, calling out her name and demanding to know how she could assist, which is totally something that platonic girl buds do all the time. Sure, we could text "U ok?" but we adopt to run after each other dramatically, calling each other's names like information technology's our last dying wish. Typical directly lady communication.

Also, Jared Gilmore is like a full-grown human being now?! Time, she flies. Anyhow, Marian, having only been pulled through a time portal, was non defenseless upward on how Regina is 99 percent angel these days and was flabbergasted that anybody was just a-chillin' with the Enchanted Forest's reply to Joseph Kony.

After a fraught exchange with Hood's wifey, Regina ran off and Emma tried to follow her wherever the nighttime would accept them, but Hook threw himself across 10 feet of cement to physically restrain her from doing so. He was on her like a flying squirrel. Dude has appointed himself Emma's human leash.

Meanwhile Elsa had FROZEN™ a Chevy in the middle of the road. Quelle surprise!

Then Rumple had a long talk with Neal'due south grave, which wisely did not include a appointment of birth or engagement of death.

Robert Carlyle is so great. I could have watched him make promises to that tombstone all night.

So then Robin popped by Regina'due south firm and explained that while his Facebook condition may say "Married to Maid Marian," in his heart it'due south more similar "It'due south Complicated"/does she have a Kik? It was a weird, mixed-message conversation and it was totally inappropriate that he just popped by unannounced, but so again Robin is living out in the cold Maine woods 24-seven. Maybe he but wanted to enjoy one last boom of central-air heating and slip in a last hot-h2o shave before settling downwards off the grid with Marian full time.

Regina decided in that location was no time like the nowadays to get consult Gus Fring, and it was honestly adept to come across Giancarlo Esposito back. Yay! She wanted him to bear witness her when exactly she arrested this Maid-what's-her-face in the first place, frankly she did non think this chick at all, and she wanted to go back and kill her.

Luckily, when Regina saw Marian'due south arrest, Marian yelled out, "If you had a family that loved you, you wouldn't exist such a jerk!" and that's when Regina remembered, "Oh, correct... I have a family that loves me. I take my boy and my estranged wife, and if I go into 'ripper style' once more I may lose all that forever."

Meanwhile, Belle had institute the perfect house for her and Rumple to creepy-crawl for their honeymoon. It just plopped downwards after the final curse so it was fair game, according to Belle! She was merrily vague: "I don't know who information technology belonged to, only it's hither at present and no ane's claimed it! Well, someone peed in the corner of the living room and left a half-eaten can of Hormel chili in the sink, but I think they've moved on!"

Truly the romantic honeymoon hideaway of all our most girlish fantasies. They B&E'd their way through the place and Rumple opted to outset things off right in their squatter'due south love nest by switching his Existent Dagger with the Fake Dagger. Then now Belle is in possession of the Existent Dagger!

Except why, then, do you even Need a fake dagger, Rumple? Y'all want to be able to switch them again at will? Oh Rumple, when volition y'all learn? Probably not ever. This show is non exactly teeming with new ideas for it's characters' internal conflict. Basically either A) your parents carelessness you, or B) you're torn between living a normal life and crazysexycool magic, or C) you're a girl-warrior in dear with Aurora who has literally vanished from the Globe's surface.

Anyhow, it was definitely fourth dimension for these two newlyweds to proceed downwards to the abandoned mansion's ballroom and reenact a special moment from Beauty and the Beast.

Hahaha, Linda Woolverton, I certainly hope yous see a check in the mail for this fun little scene lifted from your Beauty and the Beast screenplay! P.S. did you know that Linda Woolverton was the first female person screenwriter to earn sole writing credit on a billion-dollar film, namely Maleficent? Maybe OUAT will borrow a couple scenes from her piece of work on that screenplay also when Kristin Bauer returns to OUAT in the second half of Season 4! Control-C, Control-5!! Such fun.

Across town, Emma was bravado up Regina's phone, begging her for but a moment face-to-face. "Maybe information technology'south you she doesn't desire to hear from," Henry said, bitterly. Emma quietly started planning a search for a boom box then she could play "In Your Eyes" outside the Mayoral mansion, simply Henry offered to deed as an intermediary betwixt his parents, as children of divorce often do.

Snowfall remarked that information technology must be hard for Henry now that both of his moms are involved with other men and OBVIOUSLY nothing about the situation is highly suggestive that Emma and Regina are estranged spouses with one partner trying desperately to win the other one dorsum. Nope this is just another classic straight-lady dynamic: You're getting so obsessive almost contacting your lady co-parent that your mutual child has to tell you right to your face up that she'southward miffed at you considering you started dating a dude.

So Emma started frantically denying that she's even going out with Hook , merely speak of the pleather-clad devil, Hook appeared out of nowhere.

Yeah, he's been wearing the same outfit for two days in a row/three seasons now, and he was like, "Hey Emma allow's hold easily in public. Why tin't we hold hands in public? Did you lot get my texts? I sent you 42 texts terminal night explaining how I feel and they took me a actually long fourth dimension to blazon. Y'all could at least have texted back 'hi.'"

But Before Snow could fifty-fifty demand that they get engaged right then and there, Grumpy was YELLING considering everyone needed to RUN RUN RUN no fourth dimension to enquire WHY considering SNOW GOLLUM AHHH!

What would OUAT be if information technology didn't take people running around without fully understanding why? It would be 20 minutes long, basically.

The episode's anarchy was brought to you by Elsa, who had hidden herself in an ice house, considering she believes strongly in sticking with a theme, and at present she'southward trying to kill everyone effectually her with her mind + snow gollums because she is a very 'shoot first, ask questions subsequently' blazon of water ice-magick practitioner.

The Charmings decide to run to Robin Hood'south firm (a.yard.a., the woods next to the freeway) and warn Mr. and Mrs. Hood nigh the Snow Gollum, but actually that just led the Snow Gollum right on over there, and these Charmings are kind of dangerously thoughtless, aren't they? They have been killing their friends and endangering their families for like, four seasons now.

Instance in indicate: No one could practise shit to terminate this ice gollum, it knocked out everybody including Magical Emma (when did she get her magic dorsum again?), and just equally information technology was well-nigh to stride on Maid Marian, guess who appeared out of nowhere?

That'due south right. Regina saved anybody's life, including Marian's, because let's face it, as of the first of Season three it became her full-time chore, and Marian was like, "Well peradventure you AREN'T a monster," all snotty like. And Regina was all, "Bowwow I might exist, welcome to Storybrooke, the state where I have to clean up after 'heroic' simpletons like yourself 24 hours a solar day. P.Southward. tell your husband he left his scarf and his nobility at my house when he left this morn. Laaaaaater." Emma went RUNNING after Regina, face aglow like Emma was in a desert and Regina was a frosty drinking glass of water with a cucumber slice in information technology, only Regina just *poofed* out of sight considering the last thing she needed this mean solar day was to odour pirate on Emma'due south jiff.

And then now we had Some other beat of Hook asking Emma to spend some time with him and Emma maxim, "Well actually I need to go observe Regina. Regina is not happy. I can't exist happy while Regina is unhappy," and Hook beingness like, "Holy Lord tin can we speak openly and directly virtually this situation?!?! What is your deal with Regina?!?! Information technology tin't possibly be just Regina that's the event?!?!" Hahaha oh Hook go discover the magical country of Netflix and perchance stream Chasing Amy.

Having shaken Hook at last, Emma tracked down Regina at er house, where Regina was on the floor crying like her heart was broken, and Emma vowed that Regina will have a happy catastrophe; equally Savior, Emma will make Sure Regina gets her happy ending, and holy SHIT if Regina or Emma were a male person graphic symbol this would be all over mainstream amusement news equally like the almost romantic scene in OUAT history if not ABC history. I mean, come on.

This carve up screen also echoed the starting time human action of Frozen, where Anna tried to get Elsa to come up build a snowman, then who knows, maybe OUAT isn't merely creating diabolically .GIF-able romantic moments between its two lady leads, maybe it's trying to re-tell the Frozen ™ story with Regina and Emma, but nigh likely information technology'southward doing both. It's not like OUAT tin can beget to lose viewers, and don't tell me a that show basing its A-story arc on motherf-cking Fro$en ™ isn't cynical enough to double downwardly on its known history of queer-baiting.

What makes this bloodshot subtextual moment way more bitter than sweet is how the evidence keeps proclaiming via All Media: "We're just simple Hollywood folk trying to write a modern fairy tale about ii moms who share a son, who care about each other deeply, who worry virtually each other obsessively and who also brand incredibly powerful magic every fourth dimension they touch. And that somehow makes them gay? Y'all crazy for that i. Recollect when we promised you a gay character concluding flavor? Oh well. Anyway, it's Frozen ™ time now! Let it go. Luv y'all/go on watching/don't expect us to invalidate our plain massive demographic of homophobic viewers in any way, shape, or form."

Kids, once upon a time, OUAT presented itself as an edgy update of all our beloved fairy tales. It was bravely, ambitiously weird and tried to "get in that location" with a knocked-up Cinderella, a jailbird Emma, and scandals involving corrupt smalltown politics. Now it's an hour-long commercial for Disneyland with the vanilla-est plot of them all, 1 that seems built on marketing algorithms. The ghost of an actually intriguing, relevant love story is conjured anytime LaParillz and JMo share a screen.

Speaking of super relevant storylines: Rumple has the damn hat from The Sorcerer's Apprentice (Fantasia, 1940)? I actually don't need to watch a agglomeration of brooms stomping around cleaning stuff like crackheads at any betoken this flavor, thanks. Also we found out that Anna took off on a boat to the Enchanted Forest a Long Time Minus Five Years Ago, but Anna's necklace is at present in Mr. Gilt's shop? So Elsa is in Storybrooke? And 28+ years younger than Elsa? Or maybe Arendelle too was FROZEN ™ in the curse? And there were freaking CGI rock trolls?! Await, I am a grown-ass woman. Delight save the anthropomorphic rock trolls for Disney programming between 2 and 5 in the PM.

Regina ended the episode with a monologue about her bright idea to hunt down the author of the Story Book and demand that the villains ALSO get their happy endings. Is OUAT planning to direct-upwards rip off Cherry Shirts and transport Regina through some portal into the Land of Disney Studios in Burbank, California, 2014 then that she can literally march into the OUAT writers' room and demand to know why in hell they keep giving her these sad-sack storylines? Nah, it won't exist that absurd. Information technology would be like, a CGI animated Walt Disney like that CGI Audrey Hepburn who keeps trying to sell me Dove chocolate.

Whatever entity Regina ends up sitting across from with her requirement that villains get happy endings, I promise that entity points out that actually, all the villains in Storybrooke except for Regina have information technology pretty good: Rumplestiltskin got to marry his true love Belle. Robin Hood, a thief, has his Maid Marian dorsum from the damn dead. Dr. Whale is the caput of a thriving medical practice. Captain Hook concluded up with the Savior, Emma. It'southward really only the Wicked Witch, Cora, Maleficent, and Regina who are existence held 100 percent accountable for their misdoings in this world. I wonder why that is.

QUESTIONS:

... How did you like the Season 4 premiere?

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Source: https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/news/once-upon-time-season-4-080900367.html

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